I open at a close

It's a lost cause posting on this blog. It's just about as active as the Dead Sea I bet. Then again, I wouldn't be posting this if I knew for sure that no one would read this.

So, 2010 is at its close and Christmas shall come to end most probably with beer, good music and the sweet comfort of old friends and family. Reflection is momentous for me at most but today felt different. Because I am different now. 2010 is at its close but its passing was as impactful as it was swift as a breeze by the beach. I learned things I've never dreamed of in my short 18 years of living ( oh and by the way, I just did, turn 18). I learned to live alone, then I learned that I never was really alone. I learned that sometimes thinking too much is just as bad as thinking too little of something. I learned that family isn't by blood but by the love that holds you together. I have felt like I could walk on air and I have felt like I've been drowning for years. I have felt change in the matter of seconds.

But most of all, I've learned to love. It isn't in a young teenage girls romantic way. It's merely the simple gestures in life that build up to it.

You're sick of my rambles. I can't help it. I write like I'm 60 and seeing the world through bug-eyed spectacles.

I guess, I just mean to say that : All I want for Christmas this year, is the memories I've gained along the way. So thanks Santa, for this year and the people I've met along the way.

Oh to my dear Kah Leng : I'm not much of a touchy-feely person lol. But I'm glad we've lasted through everything: the weeks of just being apart with a word of communication, the fear of the change that was at the horizon, the acceptance and the moving on to finding that even through all the change, it was as if nothing changed at all lol. And yes, I couldn't have a more perfect friend =))

Stars falling from my ceiling

Now we're back at square one
Seems like we're living in replay
The words don't bother me
Neither does the scowl on your face
It's the intentions that never slept
They never went away


Can't seem to walk right through this
Pieces of the mirror all over the ground
The cracks in my reflection, 
the pain that turns me around.


So here we are again, back at square one
Seems like the stars are falling
Falling from my ceiling
I'd never understand why you tore them down. 




*so just in case you didn't get that.  I have glow in the dark stars stuck on my ceiling. They remind me of how dreams can come true. 

Holding on.

It  started with Linkin Park. And then hoobastank. And then John Mayer. And then this college musical. The list is probably never ending with me. Our love hate relationship is the sort that comes off and on like a blinking light bulb. Still, no matter how many times it goes off, that buzzing from within just waiting to erupt into light is ever persistent.  I’ve been told that I would lose my love for it soon. I’ve been through periods in time when I just thought maybe I’m better off doing something else – something more realistic, something that pays. But every time, the music just comes knocking on the walls of my heart – pounding and inquiring as to why I should desert her like that. It started with Linkin Park and I’ll always attribute my love for music to them. But the musical made it grow. During that short period of time for which I was allowed to perform on stage like that, it made me see music in a way I’ve never seen it. So maybe I’ll live on to become something I never thought I’d be. Maybe my days of dreaming would end. But till then, this is all I’ve got. And just like every dreamer out there, I’m holding on.

Spot me.

Blue skies and cool breezes
A day that mocks my very existance
Tryin to brave the waves of uncertaities
The doubts that build inside of me


Eyes of the world never seemed so harsh
Their prejudice hits a spot 
Oh my, can they see right through me?


Feelings come and go, they spin me like top
Once I'm up and strong, the gravity pulls me down
Yeah you anchor me to the ground. 


Eyes of the world never seemed so observant
They see the stones in my heart
Oh my, will they pound the gavel?
Turn me to my inevitable end? 

Always by your side.

Words. Maybe they're all I have left. Words. Maybe every syllable uttered is a piece of me - sworn to be infinitely and most simply, me. Words. All the maybes in the world may not be enough to sum it up; that sometimes even words can't explain me. And I am pained for I am at lost for words. Still, I will try. 

My heart is cold; I don't feel your absence. I don't shudder nor do I wince at maybe losing you forever. I don't sit on the bathroom floor - it's cold tiles slowly warmed beneath my skin and the flowing hot water - to weep like I have so many times before. I don't confess as I do now in public; as nude as dead land. 

I don't have to. For once, memories suffice. The glass isn't half empty. For once, in a very long time. And I could say this surely - our bonds are everlasting. 

So I don't miss you nor do I long to be with you. Because when I am finally with you - it will be as though you had never left my side. 

You see me.

I can't deny the torments I face

I'd paint on that facade of mine anyway

A little thorn along the way I'd walk off

A little too late to hope for anything more 

Deny me that ability, that's what you do

The scars I've locked away inside me

I swore they'd never be skin deep

Yet again, you see. You see with enlightened eyes. 

And I cherish you. 

Trickle

When you're down.

They always bring us down. They watch and scrutinize and when they eye your weakness, you’re a dead man. They.

I.  I’d wish that was the case. ‘Cause somehow, I’ve built a replica of “them” inside me. An inbuilt enemy that watches in scrutiny and when it eyes my weakness, I’m on the ground. I think I’ve been here for a long time. I don’t know.  The tunnel is long and dark and it feels like I haven’t moved an inch. I thought that I may have moved on, further perhaps outrunning this inbuilt predator. But who am I kidding? 

Every time. That same dark tunnel. That same stone cold floor. That same feeling of being numb and stationary. 

Dusty poetry

A cloud blocked the sun from view
Hiding my path in its shadows
I swore I'd never fall for your
Schemes but somehow I fell deeper instead
In my deepest trenches I laid
Still on my back as you towered over me
And in that deep trench I found
a side of you I'd failed to see

Baby, you are a curse upon my soul
I swear I saw the devil stir in your wake
Honey, stop your scheming and revolting plans
Just thrust the dagger into my chest

All I Need

The notes play quietly at the epicentre of this room, passing with Dolce through the melody line. It's disputed mass building warmth in me as I close my eyes in ecstasy. The music paints a vivid picture of stars dotting the black sky. My breath slows down and at once I am home.  

The room I live in is empty. I don't feel the cold shudders at it's wake. They may whisper, they may shout and I may doubt at an instant. But never will I kneel again. I stand my ground and I say I don't need. When the time comes, so shall he. For now, I'll close my eyes once more. And the love in music is all I need.